Today the U.S. Supreme Court strutted their stuff and made marriage an equal thing for everyone. And that is just great. It does feel incredibly liberating-- it feels like some weird weight has been lifted off of my body and my mind. I am totally happy about the decision, and I feel good.
This was a huge, huge step in the right direction.
With all of this said, I find myself in a state of calm and cautious emotion.
I feel that I am supposed to be over the top and excited and even grateful for this decision. And I think it's really important to recognize that this is a huge step and a huge thing for the country.
I got many texts from friends, saw many posts from people I love. And they are all loving, positive and exciting. "You must be so excited!" And "how does it feel!?"
I have a blog because I'm supposed to be honest-- This doesn't feel like a "victory" for me.
The word is "equal."
I didn't win any game or contest. I am not now "better" than someone. I am just equal to other people who have had these rights forever and ever.
And now I am supposed to be "grateful" for this decision, and I find it hard to get to that state of feeling for me. I am supposed to thank the people who have gotten us here. All of the hard work by dedicated Americans who brought equality to America.
I don't feel that as much as I "should" and I think it's because I am still a little bit angry that this was even an issue in the first place.
Why did I have to grow up thinking that I was wrong? That I was an invalid person. That who I am is not okay under an actual set of laws.
Why wasn't I always equal? A lot of people would say that I am so lucky to be living in this time, and to be so young with my whole life ahead of me. The fact that I will be able to fall in love and get married is an absolutely incredible thing.
People will look back and say it's amazing. They will say that it was a groundbreaking and world changing decision. Because before now, in America, same sex couples were not treated equally. And we have to remember that there are counties and places that people are literally killed for their sexual orientation, gender identity and expression, and so much more.
The idea that "love won" just, I guess confuses me. What did I win? I won the right to have what everyone else has had forever.
I do feel happy and excited about what we have done to get here, but I cannot help but to mix those feelings with the feelings of anger and hopelessness I have felt my whole life.
I do live in an "amazing time." And the only reason that it is amazing is because it has been so terrible in the past. It's called "amazing" that now I can marry someone. "Amazing" that I can now be equal to other Americans.
Why is that amazing though? "We are all created equal" should have just been taken seriously the whole time.
I shouldn't have had to fight for that. There should have never been any legislation for women to vote, for black and white children to have equal resources and go to the same schools. These things should have just happened. People of all races, genders, backgrounds, etc. We really are all supposed to be equal anyways. But I am supposed to be over the moon about this decision. That my rights are now "up to par" with the rest of America.
I don't know what I am supposed to do to to express these unpopular feelings, at such an exciting time. I pride myself on being such a positive person. But I am conflicted.
I don't really like to be expected to be "grateful" for this decision. You didn't do me a favor. In my mind, I was owed this. This was mine from the beginning, and it was banned by law. I don't want to have to thank you for rights that were supposed to be mine.
I hate to sound negative about this, because I really am very excited, and relieved. I really am thrilled that I now have this right that I have been waiting for for 23 years.
I often talk about my wedding plans, mostly to be funny. "This is going to be my wedding song" and "I am going to have unlimited vodka at my wedding." Before today, those thoughts were always* followed up with a quick thought of invalidation and doubt. Because it was such an invalid statement.
Because who knows where I am getting married? What if I really do meet someone from Texas, and we can't get married in their state? That's a thought I have had. I can now say these statements like a
straight normal person, and for that, I am thrilled.
Because I am equal. I am.
Hint: transgender rights are next. We will focus on transgender rights. Here's my idea: Why don't we just take this day, this decision, this moment, and just decide that as a country, we are just going to give everyone all of the rights. Let's not even discuss and debate it. People are people. Let's not vote as states, let's not go to the Supreme Court. Let's just go for it! We are all created equal. And you should mess with that anymore. Please.