My Funeral Wishes and Why They're The BEST.

I feel like I am always thinking about my funeral, my death, my burial/cremation, etc. I want to set out the guidelines to my ideal ceremony, and don’t you worry, I’m not planning on dying any time soon. I just want everyone to know what to do in the event that you need to throw me a life party/funeral. ***I am actually not dying soon, don’t worry. I feel like we aren’t allowed to talk about our own deaths without sounding suicidal, so people don’t talk about it, and then their funerals suck. I’m not going to have a bad funeral.

Here are all things you need to do if you end up being the one to handle this celebration:

  1. This will be a red carpet event. Please make sure that it is well photographed and recorded, because everyone needs to be looking amazing and great. This will be a star studded event.

2) DO NOT have this event outdoors. I will hate you forever if you celebrate me in direct sunlight. I want it to be extremely man made and indoors. Some options are Madison Square Garden. Well, that’s the only option.

3) That being said, I’m not sure if I want burial or cremation. I have issues with both.

  1. If I am cremated, PLEASE do not spread my ashes in nature. I beg of you. Please please please don’t spread me in a river, don’t put me in a national park. Please put me inside, near food and a TV or at least the radio. Some possible locations would be a well established Outback Steakhouse, or maybe Dave and Busters. I need to be around people. Cool people. If you are unable to spread my ashes at Outback Steakhouse, another idea would be the Macy’s on 34th street in NY. I love that Macy’s. Put me around fashion people.
  2. Now, if I am buried, I have problems with that too. Because what if I wake up? I need to know that I can escape. But again, PLEASE do not bury me outdoors. I cannot stress to you that I don’t want to ever live outside. I want to be in a nice building. I would like to be buried in a well lit, air conditioned room. I don’t understand why people want to be buried outside in the sun/snow/rain/wind. If I end up being buried, these are some items I will want included with me:i. A brand new iPhone with music loaded on it, but also internet connection so I can use the internet. (I will need a charger.)ii. A loud bell. If I wake up, I need a signal.

    iii. A warm winter jacket, or a space heater

    iv. A subscription to Paper magazine.

     v. Deodorant

4) Please don’t read poetry or literature that I didn’t know or love. I don’t want you to interpret me. You know me. Do the things that I enjoy. Some good authors/artists that I would like to be represented at my funeral would be Miley Cyrus, and that’s almost it. This funeral is to honor ME. Not your idea of me.

5) Please play my idea of good music. If you must have a piano/organ, please play beautiful covers of the recent pop songs. For example, if this funeral was today, it would be appropriate to play songs like Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda,” or even Justin Bieber’s “Where Are u Now?” or “Cinema” by Skrillex and that other guy. The reason is that there’s no reason to play music that I don’t know. That doesn’t make any sense, right?

6) Invite EVERYONE that I know. Quantity over quality, always. Please do not leave people out because the room you rented. I want to remind you that this event is taking place in Madison Square Garden with the main reason being that I want many, many people there. Invite EVERYONE.

7) Have a hashtag. Lately it’s been seeming like I won’t be getting married anytime soon, and I have always wanted to have an event with a hashtag. Some ideas are #BenisDead #BENLOVESBEN or my usual podcast hashtag, #DreamLifeWithBen

8) I know this seems off, but please do not invite Miley Cyrus, unless I have gotten closer to her by then. I repeat, if I have not met/befriended Miley, I’m not about to have all my friends meet her while I’m dead. Side note, if Miley is dead by this point, and she is buried outdoors, this would be an exception for the outside burial rule. If Miley Cyrus is buried outside, lay my body next to hers, and I’ll be happy.

9) Everyone there has to make a speech. I don’t care how long it is. People would love it. You can take out literally everything else from the ceremony. It should just be a Ben Hawes love fest where people are cracking up and remembering me and being happy. Toasts are the best. So just let everyone speak.

10) I have included some pictures of décor and some things I would like you to pay for in order to make it look nice. Please know that you have to do this. This is what I would want:

THANKS FOR READING!!! If you have any additions, please leave them in the comments below!