I'm Looking at the 22 Year Old Ben and Loving him.
When I look back at the memories of who I was at 18, I am blown away by how much I didn't know. How much I didn't know about myself, my family, my dreams, my future. I truly can't imagine going back in time and living the life that I was living at 18. And I wouldn't ever want to. I choose the age of 18 as a comparison, because when I was 18, I remember feeling on top of the world. I remember feeling like I had made it, like I was all I could be.
If you showed me a picture, if you gave me a rundown, a summary of the stuff I would have done by 22, If you told 18 year old Ben that he would LOVE his internship, and that he had FRIENDS. Like real, lifelong, trusted, meaningful and supportive friends, he would have been relieved beyond belief, because he was worried.
Moving to SF State and starting off in a completely new situation was scary for me. I remember telling my friend's mom that I was worried that I wouldn't make friends in college, and she laughed and didn't even take me seriously because "of course Ben Hawes was going to make a bunch of friends and be happy and be positive and all of that."
I cannot believe how far I have come, how much progress I have made. I know that I am the same person, I have a lot of the same beliefs, values, etc. But I have to tell you. I feel like I'm an entire different person.
I care about things. I love people. I need things, and I ask for them. I have real dreams that are going to take A LOT of work, and I'm actually doing something about it. I know that I can get out of almost any situation by laughing. I know that pain can be good, that there is strength in letting sadness exist. I know that I'm important, but not any more important than anything else. I know that I'm not actually better than other people, but It is loads of fun to act like it. I know that not everyone has to like my favorite artists, and that love will come to me whenever. I know that you can't predict the future, and that there's no point in trying.
I know who I am. At least in this moment, right now, I really, really know who I am. And I'm comfortable, and I love that.
The fact that I'm graduating from college in December has been kind of a sad thing for me. I have absolutely LOVED college. This is a fantastic part of my life, and I am in love with it. But do you know what? I think I'm getting closer to ready.
I'm getting ready to get a big huge job in a big huge city and go to work everyday. I am getting ready for my boss to tell me to do things and for me to do them well and with the same excitement and passion that I have for everything.
I have always said that my worst fear is waking up for a real job every single day, but I think that's gone now. I think I'm getting ready to move to New York.
I think I'm going to do it.
Yeah, I honestly believe that I am an entire different person now, than when I was 18.
Four years. They say that life is short, but it's not. I have changed, improved, developed, learned, grew so much and I became the 22 year old version of Ben in only four short years.
I can't wait to come back and write this blog again when I'm 26. I'll talk about how meaningless my life was when I was 22, and how I can't believe that I even had opinions. I'll talk about how much I grew and learned in the last 4 years. How much I love every aspect of my life and how never would I ever turn back.
I can't wait to see who's still reading. Who's still in my life. I just can't wait until I get to write that post. I can't wait for the 26 year old Ben.
I honestly can't wait.
Thanks so much for reading. Seriously, thank you. I love hearing that people read my blog.
Have a great day!