An Open Letter to My Future Children (Don't Cross Me)

To my future kids,

I wanted to write this letter to you all and let you know a few things that I expect of you. I have gone years and years saying “I’m never having kids” and “why would I do that to myself," however, I have come to the conclusion that maybe I will change my mind, and maybe I will just have to live my dreams through you.

The general opinion of my friends and family is that I would be a great father figure to you, because I put so much energy in building confidence and success out of myself and my peers, that of course I would be great for a child in these times.

However, this is not true at all. I won’t be allowing you to “be who you are” if it does not line up with my brand. I’m honestly not about to let a bunch of off-brand kids run around and tarnish my name. You will be living up to my standards, and there will be no exceptions.

Here are ten things you need to know about how the next 18 years are going to go.

  1. You WILL NOT be participating in sports at all. Sports are not going to be considered to be “cool.” You running around and falling over a soccer ball is not impressive. I once saw Kanye AND Kim Kardashian at the airport and I just sat there and ate my sandwich. I’m not going to cheer when you almost* score a goal. I absolutely refuse to spend my Saturdays watching children’s sports. Sorry.
  2. You WILL however, be participating in any of the following activities: Singing, dancing, acting, playing a popular instrument that could get you in a boy band, or art. You are going to be amazing creative forces, and I am going to force that upon you. You are Ben Hawes’ kids, and you will be talented as so.
  3. Please don’t ever break my nice vases. I paid a LOT of money from my book advances and commercial royalties and I honestly won’t have it. We are a family who has nice things. We don’t compromise the quality of our possessions just because there are children are in the house.
  4. You will be a Diet Coke child and you will not stand for Diet Pepsi. When the waiter asks you if Pepsi is alright, you have my full permission to become incredibly* dramatic and leave the restaurant. Make a HUGE scene, please. There may be an agent around.                          
  5. You cannot drink the Vodka in the freezer until you are old enough to drive to the store and replace it. I think that’s fair. 
  6. I will absolutely NOT help you with your homework. Homework is for children, and I am not a child. I already passed 5th grade. Now it’s your turn. 
  7. Your rooms will always be clean, because we will have housekeepers. I am not going to waste my energy teaching you “responsibility” by making you clean your rooms. What’s the point? You will just grow up and hire more housekeepers. I’m raising sensible children, right?
  8. You will run all outfits and accessories by me. You will not be caught out wearing something that I have not approved. You can express yourself when you are eighteen.
  9. Tattoos and piercing are totally okay, and even encouraged. However, they must have an amazing meaning or story behind them.
  10. I am NOT an appropriate role model. I will not be censoring myself around you. Who are you* to change me? I am who I am, and I have worked very hard to get here. This isn’t the kind of thing where you get to change me. I don’t let ANYONE change me. But you will love me, don't worry about that! 

I hope this clears things up. I’m sorry if there was any confusion about this. I’m not going to be a “great father.” I am going to force your into the mold that I believe you should be. You get it right? I love you all, I’m sorry about this whole thing.

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