What If Ben Won The Lottery?
I woke up to so many tweets from people who unfortunately did not win the lottery today. So sad for them! Winning the lottery is something that I obviously think about every minute of the day, but I have never bought a ticket. Timing is everything in my life, and I only do what feels right. This wasn’t my time. This wasn’t my lottery to win. But while all of you dwell on your loss, I’m going to be proactive here. I’m going to set out a plan. So these are all the things I’m gonna do when I win the PowerBall:
First of all, I’m not quitting my job, even kind of. A job is a fantastic place to brag about how much money you have. I would really enjoy going to work if I had recently won the lottery. I am not at all, in any way, the type of person who will be keeping this a secret. My entire life is about putting it all out there and bragging about all of my assets, physical and financial. Like, sorry, if I win the lottery, you’re going to hear about it.
So yes, I’m going to work every day.
But I’m going to do it in such style that people will just honestly get so mad at me. I'm gonna love it. I will have a car pick me up every morning, with my Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte (no foam) hot and ready, and my absolute favorite jams playing loud. I will arrive to work, and I will walk in like the true star that I am. I know that I have an absolute vision of what I mean by “star,” but you might not, so let me explain.
I’m talking about expensive jackets. I’m talking about extravagant shoes. I’m talking about pants that not only fit, but flatter the hell out of my new body type. Bossy sunglasses when it’s not even bright. You’ll see me walk in, and you’ll just get so angry, because you knew I won the lottery, and you didn’t, and that’s how I got all these fabulous clothes. Yes, I could invest in real-estate, and yes, I could put my money into a bunch of stocks and companies and stuff, but why? I already have 100 million. Who cares? I’m gonna be a hot ass B.
A lot of people say they would share their money with their loved ones. But I’m an American. Win your own lottery! I didn’t do all this work just to give it to people who are not as good as me, right? Like, to be honest, why would I throw my money away like that? Yes, I could pay your rent for a year. But what does that do? I’m not sharing. I EARNED this.
Speaking of rent, I would just seriously buy the best apartment in Manhattan. I would buy from a Nick Jonas or a Taylor Swift because that’s cool as shit to say to guests. I wouldn’t even kind of hold back in the decor of this apartment. Like, I’m not even doing any of it myself. I’ll have an actual flattering mirror by the door, as opposed to my dumb and distorted attempt at a mirror I have now. I’ll have a refrigerator of a king. Like, no joke, I’m gonna have so much food in there, and it’s all going to be from either Whole Foods or just leftover Papa Johns. I’m even going to have a freezer that makes its own ice! That will be the day. NO more ice trays! In the kitchen, I’m gonna have a diet coke fountain, which is just my end-all-be-all idea of success and wealth. It's simply just more efficient, and better for the environment.
I’m also going to have a few media rooms. By media rooms, I mean places where I can record my awesome projects. Like, my podcast will have its own room, my blog will have its own room, and I will have a literal video shoot room. There will be all the top of the line equipment, and I will finally be able to have all the things I want for that. I’m not even joking, celebs will use my studio because it’s going to be better than theirs.
I’m going to have multiple “crews.” I’m going to have photographers that travel around with me all day taking amazing pics of me that I can use on Tinder. I’m gonna have a video crew who can shoot all new my music videos. And I’m definitely going to need security. If I’m gonna be this much of an asshole about how rich I am, I’m going to need a lot of security.
If I’m gonna be this much of an asshole about how rich I am, I’m going to need a lot of security.
I’m also going to get the most expensive Wi-Fi plan. I’m actually moving that up to priority numero uno. Do you know how second class I feel because I don’t have the most expensive internet? VERY.
Now, I guess I really should think about setting myself up for a future of happiness, of fulfillment, and of meaning. So there are a few subscriptions that I would like to just pay for up-front if they’ll let me. Here they are: Netflix (obviously), Hulu, Spotify AND Apple Music (I’m rich so I can have both), I’d like to pay upfront for the next 75 versions of the iPhone to be delivered to my door, The Dollar Shave club (executive plan), ClassPass, Soundcloud (so I can upload my podcasts), two or three therapists, I want unlimited Starbucks for life, and the last one is obviously HBO GO. I’m not even into it if I don’t have HBO.
You’re probably wondering why I haven’t purchased a meet and greet with Miley Cyrus. And I get it-- you think I’m stupid. Here’s the thing: I’m not trying to meet Miley at a lame meet and greet. My theory is that if I’m rich and “successful,” we will meet organically. I think Miley and I are obviously connected in God’s plan, and that we will eventually meet when the timing is right. I don’t want “oh, we met at a meet and greet” to be my story with Miley Cyrus, you know? How dumb would that be?
I just want to really make it clear that money WILL change me, that I WILL forget about the little people, and that the second I win the lottery, I’m not going to act like you “have a point” when you tell me I should eat fewer chicken nuggets.
In the end, it’s important to remember our values as people. For me, I want to make sure people know who I am. I want them to know my story. So it is important to me that if I win the lottery, that I show it in a very visible manner. My look will change, I will lose every pound I don’t need, my teeth will all of the sudden be white AF, I will straight up never even start to get a pimple. My hair will be 100% perfect at all times, and that’s all because of money. I’m not going to mess around, you guys, so watch out. I’m gonna do it.
Oh and I’m also gonna buy SO many Facebook and Twitter ads for this blog because I need more comments! Let me know if you’ll still be my friend when I’m rich! Love you!
Follow Ben on Twitter @TheRealBenHawes