How To Perfect The Benjamin Hawes Brand

People always tell me that I’m great when it comes to knowing who I am. They’re right. I know all the ins and outs of the Benjamin Hawes brand, and I want to lay it out for you. Just in case you ever want to become my publicist.

swag parks and recreation look aziz ansari tom haverford

Here we go :)

  1. Ben Hawes is always seen in public with:

  • Diet Coke in Hand
  • Apple Watch
  • Gold iPhone 6 with Gold Case
  • Brown or Black Shined Leather Shoes
  • Hair as perfect as possible
  1. Food and Drinks:

  • Vodka Cranberry (with pineapple)
  • Angry Orchard Apple Cider
  • Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte (with no foam)
  • Fountain Diet Coke
  • Pulled Pork Sliders
  • Steak with A1, even if it doesn’t "need "sauce
  • Cheeseburger plain with cheddar cheese only
  • Chicken Nuggets with Barbecue Sauce
  • Mega Stuf Oreos
  1. Services Ben Stands By Exclusively:

  • Only flies with Southwest
  • Takes Uber or Yellow Cabs but never Lyft
  • Grocery Delivery with Fresh Direct or InstaCart
  • Laundry service with FlyCleaners
  • Chase Banking 
  • Google Docs, Gmail, Google Calendar
  • Amazon Prime
  • Spotify Premium 
  • Hulu Premium 
  • Netflix 
  • AT&T Phone and Data Plan
  1. Colors for logos and decor:

  • Dark Red
  • Black
  • White
  • Silver
  • Glass
  • Silver confetti
  • Specks of silver glitter
  1. Ben Hawes Anthems:

  • Party in the USA, Wrecking Ball, We Can’t Stop, and Drive (Miley Cyrus)
  • Somebody To Love (Justin Bieber)
  • This is Why I’m Hot (MIMS)
  • Stacy’s Mom and Someone to Love (Fountains of Wayne)
  • I believe In A Thing Called Love (The Darkness)
  • Stick Wit U (The Pussycat Dolls)
  • Fergalicious (Fergie)
  1. Media That Inspires:

  • The Devil Wears Prada
  • Confessions of a Shopaholic
  • Any Seth Rogan or Zac Efron Movie
  • Sex and the City
  • The Office
  • Parks and Recreation
  • The Mindy Project
  • 30 Rock
  • SNL
  1. Recurring themes:

  • "Being a 6.5” when in reality he is a 9.2
  • Isn’t impressed with his own education
  • He doesn’t date, love will come when it comes, and that person will be a ten
  • Keeping a tab open at bars
  • Always moving forward, never looking back
  • Does not want children at all, but understands that may change
  • Talks about his mom a lot
  • Doesn’t take himself seriously, ever.
  1. Politics:

  • Ben knows what he thinks and feels, but doesn't post views to social media
  • Doesn't just read headlines and then act like he knows what he is talking about
  • Ben acts under the assumption that everyone else knows better than him on this one
  • When political debates spark in a social setting, Ben points out the differences in opinions and then lets it ride
  1. The Look: 


  • Always Clean Shaven
  • Hair does not go more than 3-4 weeks without being cleaned up
  • Shirt can be a patterned button down or hilarious tee for a more casual setting
  • Cold? Throw on a sweater, or crewneck from his own line
  • Wears Levis 510 Jeans or H&M Skinny black pants at all times
  • Adult Socks that go past the ankle. Patterned or Colored is a plus.
  • Nice, Clean, Leather black or brown shoes (size 10.5)
  • Herschel Backpack, never a messenger bag or briefcase


  • Wearing the Jersey of a pro athlete 
  • No Hats of any kind
  • Growing Facial Hair
  • Wearing Birkenstocks, Converse, Vans, or Crocs
  • Wearing Shorts
  1. Things that would ruin the Brand:

  • Buying a Beatles Record on Vinyl
  • Watching Star Wars, Dr. Who, Lord of the Rings, or Game of Thrones
  • Anything Samsung, Microsoft, PC
  • Ordering a tall or grande coffee
  • Reading a book that is going to become a movie anyway

Ben always refers people to when possible. Always says it two times to make sure that people know to go to That’s Thanks!